TDE精彩演講：如何面對(duì)內(nèi)心的脆弱與艱澀
導(dǎo)語(yǔ)：我們很多人有時(shí)候都會(huì)很難面對(duì)內(nèi)心的脆弱與艱澀，看看下面的演講告訴我們?cè)撛趺崔k。
So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flier." And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." (Laughter) And I was like, "Okay." And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, "You're going to call me a what?" And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?" (Laughter) I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. And so I said, "You know what? Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing." (Laughter) So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.
那我就這么開(kāi)始吧： 幾年前，一個(gè)活動(dòng)策劃人打電話給我， 因?yàn)槲耶?dāng)時(shí)要做一個(gè)演講。 她在電話里說(shuō)： “我真很苦惱該如何在宣傳單上 介紹你。” 我心想，怎么會(huì)苦惱呢? 她繼續(xù)道：“你看，我聽(tīng)過(guò)你的演講， 我覺(jué)得我可以稱你為研究者， 可我擔(dān)心的是，如果我這么稱呼你，沒(méi)人會(huì)來(lái)聽(tīng)， 因?yàn)榇蠹移毡檎J(rèn)為研究員很無(wú)趣而且脫離現(xiàn)實(shí)。” (笑聲) 好。 然后她說(shuō)：“但是我喜歡你的演講， 就跟講故事一樣很吸引人。 我想來(lái)想去，還是覺(jué)得稱你為講故事的人比較妥當(dāng)。” 而那個(gè)做學(xué)術(shù)的，感到不安的我 脫口而出道：“你要叫我什么?” 她說(shuō)：“我要稱你為講故事的人。" 我心想：”為什么不干脆叫魔法小精靈?“ (笑聲) 我說(shuō)：”讓我考慮一下。“ 我試著鼓起勇氣。 我對(duì)自己說(shuō)，我是一個(gè)講故事的人。 我是一個(gè)從事定性研究的科研人員。 我收集故事;這就是我的工作。 或許故事就是有靈魂的數(shù)據(jù)。 或許我就是一個(gè)講故事的人。 于是我說(shuō)：”聽(tīng)著， 要不你就稱我為做研究兼講故事的人。“ 她說(shuō)：”哈哈，沒(méi)這么個(gè)說(shuō)法呀。“ (笑聲) 所以我是個(gè)做研究兼講故事的人， 我今天想跟大家談?wù)摰?- 我們要談?wù)摰脑掝}是關(guān)于拓展認(rèn)知-- 我想給你們講幾個(gè)故事 是關(guān)于我的一份研究的， 這份研究從本質(zhì)上拓寬了我個(gè)人的認(rèn)知， 也確確實(shí)實(shí)改變了我生活、愛(ài)、 工作還有教育孩子的方式。
And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year I had a research professor who said to us, "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box." (Laughter) And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.
我的故事從這里開(kāi)始。 當(dāng)我還是個(gè)年輕的博士研究生的時(shí)候， 第一年，有位研究教授 對(duì)我們說(shuō)： ”事實(shí)是這樣的， 如果有一個(gè)東西你無(wú)法測(cè)量，那么它就不存在。“ 我心想他只是在哄哄我們這些小孩子吧。 我說(shuō)：“真的么?” 他說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然。” 你得知道 我有一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的學(xué)士文憑，一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的碩士文憑， 我在讀的是一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的博士文憑， 所以我整個(gè)學(xué)術(shù)生涯 都被人所包圍， 他們大抵相信 生活是一團(tuán)亂麻，接受它。 而我的觀點(diǎn)則傾向于，生活是一團(tuán)亂麻， 解開(kāi)它，把它整理好， 再歸類(lèi)放入便當(dāng)盒里。 (笑聲) 我覺(jué)得我領(lǐng)悟到了關(guān)鍵， 有能力去創(chuàng)一番事業(yè)，讓自己-- 真的，社會(huì)工作的一個(gè)重要理念是 置身于工作的不適中。 我就是要把這不適翻個(gè)底朝天 每科都拿到A。 這就是我當(dāng)時(shí)的信條。 我當(dāng)時(shí)真的是躍躍欲試。 我想這就是我要的職業(yè)生涯， 因?yàn)槲覍?duì)亂成一團(tuán)，難以處理的課題感興趣。 我想要把它們弄清楚。 我想要理解它們。 我想侵入那些 我知道是重要的東西 把它們摸透，然后用淺顯易懂的方式呈獻(xiàn)給每一個(gè)人。
So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here. So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?" (Laughter) And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.
所以我的起點(diǎn)是“關(guān)系”。 因?yàn)楫?dāng)你從事了10年的社會(huì)工作， 你必然會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn) 關(guān)系是我們活著的原因。 它賦予了我們生命的意義。 就是這么簡(jiǎn)單。 無(wú)論你跟誰(shuí)交流 工作在社會(huì)執(zhí)法領(lǐng)域的也好，負(fù)責(zé)精神健康、虐待和疏于看管領(lǐng)域的也好 我們所知道的是，關(guān)系 是種感應(yīng)的能力-- 生物神經(jīng)上，我們是這么被設(shè)定的-- 這就是為什么我們?cè)谶@兒。 所以我就從關(guān)系開(kāi)始。 下面這個(gè)場(chǎng)景我們?cè)偈煜げ贿^(guò)了， 你的上司給你作工作評(píng)估， 她告訴了你37點(diǎn)你做得相當(dāng)棒的地方， 還有一點(diǎn)--成長(zhǎng)的空間? (笑聲) 然后你滿腦子都想著那一點(diǎn)成長(zhǎng)的空間，不是么。 這也是我研究的一個(gè)方面， 因?yàn)楫?dāng)你跟人們談?wù)搻?ài)情， 他們告訴你的是一件讓他們心碎的事。 當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)摎w屬感， 他們告訴你的是最讓他們痛心的 被排斥的經(jīng)歷。 當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)撽P(guān)系， 他們跟我講的是如何被斷絕關(guān)系的故事。
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
所以很快的--在大約開(kāi)始研究這個(gè)課題6周以后-- 我遇到了這個(gè)前所未聞的東西 它揭示了關(guān)系 以一種我不理解也從沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)的方式。 所以我暫停了原先的研究計(jì)劃， 對(duì)自己說(shuō)，我得弄清楚這到底是什么。 它最終被鑒定為恥辱感。 恥辱感很容易理解， 即害怕被斷絕關(guān)系。 有沒(méi)有一些關(guān)于我的事 如果別人知道了或看到了， 會(huì)認(rèn)為我不值得交往。 我要告訴你們的是： 這種現(xiàn)象很普遍;我們都會(huì)有(這種想法)。 沒(méi)有體驗(yàn)過(guò)恥辱的人 不具有人類(lèi)的同情或關(guān)系。 沒(méi)人想談?wù)撟约旱聂苁拢?你談?wù)摰脑缴�，你越感到可恥。 滋生恥辱感的 是一種“我不夠好."的心態(tài)-- 我們都知道這是個(gè)什么滋味： ”我不夠什么。我不夠苗條， 不夠有錢(qián)，不夠漂亮，不夠聰明， 職位不夠高。“ 而支撐這種心態(tài)的 是一種刻骨銘心的脆弱， 關(guān)鍵在于 要想產(chǎn)生關(guān)系， 我們必須讓自己被看見(jiàn)， 真真切切地被看見(jiàn)。
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well. (Laughter) You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research. My one year turned into six years: thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it.
你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。 所以我思考著，這次是輪到我 用我的標(biāo)尺擊潰它的時(shí)候了。 我要闖進(jìn)去，把它弄清楚， 我要花一年的時(shí)間，徹底瓦解恥辱， 我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么運(yùn)作的， 然后我要智取勝過(guò)它。 所以我準(zhǔn)備好了，非常興奮。 跟你預(yù)計(jì)的一樣，事與愿違。 (笑聲) 你知道這個(gè)(結(jié)果)。 我能告訴你關(guān)于恥辱的很多東西， 但那樣我就得占用別人的時(shí)間了。 但我在這兒可以告訴你，歸根到底 -- 這也許是我學(xué)到的最重要的東西 在從事研究的數(shù)十年中。 我預(yù)計(jì)的一年 變成了六年， 成千上萬(wàn)的故事， 成百上千個(gè)采訪，焦點(diǎn)集中。 有時(shí)人們發(fā)給我期刊報(bào)道， 發(fā)給我他們的故事 -- 不計(jì)其數(shù)的數(shù)據(jù)，就在這六年中。 我大概掌握了它。
I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.
我大概理解了這就是恥辱， 這就是它的運(yùn)作方式。 我寫(xiě)了本書(shū)， 我出版了一個(gè)理論， 但總覺(jué)得哪里不對(duì)勁 -- 它其實(shí)是， 如果我粗略地把我采訪過(guò)的人 分成 具有自我價(jià)值感的人 -- 說(shuō)到底就是 自我價(jià)值感 -- 他們勇于去愛(ài)并且擁有強(qiáng)烈的歸屬感 -- 另一部分則是為之苦苦掙扎的人， 總是懷疑自己是否足夠好的人。 區(qū)分那些 敢于去愛(ài) 并擁有強(qiáng)烈歸屬感的人 和那些為之而苦苦掙扎的人的變量只有一個(gè)。 那就是，那些敢于去愛(ài) 并擁有強(qiáng)烈歸屬感的人 相信他們值得被愛(ài)，值得享有歸屬感。 就這么簡(jiǎn)單。 他們相信自己的價(jià)值。 而對(duì)于我， 那個(gè)阻礙人與人之間關(guān)系的最困難的部分 是我們對(duì)于自己不值得享有這種關(guān)系的恐懼， 無(wú)論從個(gè)人，還是職業(yè)上 我都覺(jué)得我有必要去更深入地了解它。 所以接下來(lái) 我找出所有的采訪記錄 找出那些體現(xiàn)自我價(jià)值的，那些持有這種觀念的記錄， 集中研究它們。
What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were whole-hearted. These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kids because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just like writing and in my researcher mode. And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.
這群人有什么共同之處? 我對(duì)辦公用品有點(diǎn)癡迷， 但這是另一個(gè)話題了。 我有一個(gè)牛皮紙文件夾，還有一個(gè)三福極好筆， 我心想，我該怎么給這項(xiàng)研究命名呢? 第一個(gè)蹦入我腦子的是 全心全意這個(gè)詞。 這是一群全心全意，靠著一種強(qiáng)烈的自我價(jià)值感在生活的人們。 所以我在牛皮紙夾的上端這樣寫(xiě)道， 而后我開(kāi)始查看數(shù)據(jù)。 事實(shí)上，我開(kāi)始是 用四天時(shí)間 集中分析數(shù)據(jù)， 我從頭找出那些采訪，找出其中的故事和事件。 主題是什么?有什么規(guī)律? 我丈夫帶著孩子離開(kāi)了小鎮(zhèn)， 因?yàn)槲依鲜窍萑胂窠芸诉d.波洛克(美國(guó)近代抽象派畫(huà)家)似的瘋狂狀態(tài)， 我一直在寫(xiě)， 完全沉浸在研究的狀態(tài)中。 下面是我的發(fā)現(xiàn)。 這些人的共同之處在于 勇氣。 我想在這里先花一分鐘跟大家區(qū)分一下勇氣和膽量。 勇氣，最初的定義， 當(dāng)它剛出現(xiàn)在英文里的時(shí)候 -- 是從拉丁文cor，意為心，演變過(guò)來(lái)的 -- 最初的定義是 真心地?cái)⑹鲆粋�(gè)故事，告訴大家你是誰(shuí)的。 所以這些人 就具有勇氣 承認(rèn)自己不完美。 他們具有同情心， 先是對(duì)自己的，再是對(duì)他人的， 因?yàn)�，事�?shí)是，我們?nèi)绻荒苌拼约海?我們也無(wú)法善待他人。 最后一點(diǎn)，他們都能和他人建立關(guān)系， -- 這是很難做到的-- 前提是他們必須坦誠(chéng)， 他們?cè)敢夥砰_(kāi)自己設(shè)定的`那個(gè)理想的自我 以換取真正的自我， 這是贏得關(guān)系的 必要條件。
The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
他們還有另外一個(gè)共同之處 那就是， 他們?nèi)唤邮艽嗳酢?他們相信 讓他們變得脆弱的東西 也讓他們變得美麗。 他們不認(rèn)為脆弱 是尋求舒適， 也不認(rèn)為脆弱是鉆心的疼痛 -- 正如我之前在關(guān)于恥辱的采訪中聽(tīng)到的。 他們只是簡(jiǎn)單地認(rèn)為脆弱是必須的。 他們會(huì)談到愿意 說(shuō)出"我愛(ài)你"， 愿意 做些 沒(méi)有的事情， 愿意 等待醫(yī)生的電話， 在做完乳房X光檢查之后。 他們?cè)敢鉃榍楦型顿Y， 無(wú)論有沒(méi)有結(jié)果。 他們覺(jué)得這些都是最根本的。
I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown -- (Laughter) -- which actually looked more like this. (Laughter) And it did. I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (Laughter) I was like, "What does that mean?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick." I was like, "Okay."
我當(dāng)時(shí)認(rèn)為那是背叛。 我無(wú)法相信 我盡然對(duì)科研宣誓效忠 -- 研究的定義是 控制(變量)然后預(yù)測(cè)，去研究現(xiàn)象， 為了一個(gè)明確的目標(biāo)， 去控制并預(yù)測(cè)。 而我現(xiàn)在的使命 即控制并預(yù)測(cè) 卻給出了這樣一個(gè)結(jié)果：要想與脆弱共存 就得停止控制，停止預(yù)測(cè) 于是我崩潰了 -- (笑聲) -- 其實(shí)更像是這樣。 (笑聲) 它確實(shí)是。 我稱它為崩潰，我的心理醫(yī)生稱它為靈魂的覺(jué)醒。 靈魂的覺(jué)醒當(dāng)然比精神崩潰要好聽(tīng)很多， 但我跟你說(shuō)那的確是精神崩潰。 然后我不得不暫且把數(shù)據(jù)放一邊，去求助心理醫(yī)生。 讓我告訴你：你知道你是誰(shuí) 當(dāng)你打電話跟你朋友說(shuō)：“我覺(jué)得我需要跟人談?wù)劇?你有什么好的建議嗎?“ 因?yàn)槲掖蠹s有五個(gè)朋友這么回答： ”喔。我可不想當(dāng)你的心理醫(yī)生。“ (笑聲) 我說(shuō)：”這是什么意思?“ 他們說(shuō)：”我只是想說(shuō)， 別帶上你的標(biāo)尺來(lái)見(jiàn)我。“ 我說(shuō)：”行。“
So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. (Laughter) And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit." (Laughter) "I just need some strategies." (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. So she goes like this. (Laughter) And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." (Laughter) "It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
就這樣我找到了一個(gè)心理醫(yī)生。 我跟她，戴安娜，的第一次見(jiàn)面 -- 我?guī)チ艘环荼韱?上面都是那些全身心投入生活的人的生活方式，然后我坐下了。 她說(shuō)：”你好嗎?“ 我說(shuō)：”我很好。還不賴。“ 她說(shuō)：”發(fā)生了什么事?“ 這是一個(gè)治療心理醫(yī)生的心理醫(yī)生， 我們不得不去看這些心理醫(yī)生， 因?yàn)樗麄兊膹U話測(cè)量?jī)x很準(zhǔn)(知道你什么時(shí)候在說(shuō)真心話)。 (笑聲) 所以我說(shuō)： “事情是這樣的。我很糾結(jié)。” 她說(shuō)：“你糾結(jié)什么?” 我說(shuō)：”嗯，我跟脆弱過(guò)不去。 而且我知道脆弱是 恥辱和恐懼的根源 是我們?yōu)樽晕覂r(jià)值而掙扎的根源， 但它同時(shí)又是 歡樂(lè)，創(chuàng)造性， 歸屬感，愛(ài)的源泉。 所以我覺(jué)得我有問(wèn)題， 我需要幫助。“ 我補(bǔ)充道：”但是， 這跟家庭無(wú)關(guān)， 跟童年無(wú)關(guān)。“ (笑聲) “我只需要一些策略。” (笑聲) (掌聲) 謝謝。 戴安娜的反應(yīng)是這樣的。 (笑聲) 我接著說(shuō)：“這很糟糕，對(duì)么?” 她說(shuō)：“這不算好，也不算壞。” (笑聲) “它本身就是這樣。” 我說(shuō)：“哦，我的天，要悲劇了。”
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. (Laughter) For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.
(悲劇)果然發(fā)生了，但又沒(méi)有發(fā)生。 大概有一年的時(shí)間。 你知道的，有些人 當(dāng)他們發(fā)現(xiàn)脆弱和溫柔很重要的時(shí)候， 他們放下所有戒備，欣然接受。 (我要聲明)一，這不是我， 二，我朋友里面也沒(méi)有這樣的人。 (笑聲) 對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，那是長(zhǎng)達(dá)一年的斗爭(zhēng)。 是場(chǎng)激烈的混戰(zhàn)。 脆弱打我一拳，我又還擊它一拳。 最后我輸了， 但我或許贏回了我的生活。
And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what are we doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No. So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people -- this is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
然后我再度投入到了我的研究中， 又花了幾年時(shí)間 真正試圖去理解那些全身心投入生活的人， 他們做了怎樣的決定， 他們是如何應(yīng)對(duì) 脆弱的。 為什么我們?yōu)橹纯鄴暝? 我是獨(dú)自在跟脆弱斗爭(zhēng)嗎? 不是。 這是我學(xué)到的： 我們麻痹脆弱 -- (例如)當(dāng)我們等待(醫(yī)生)電話的時(shí)候。 好笑的是，我在Twitter微博和Facebook上發(fā)布了一條狀態(tài)， “你怎樣定義脆弱? 什么會(huì)讓你感到脆弱?“ 在1個(gè)半小時(shí)內(nèi)，我收到了150條回復(fù)。 因?yàn)槲蚁胫?大家都是怎么想的。 (回復(fù)中有)不得不請(qǐng)求丈夫幫忙， 因?yàn)槲也×�，而且我們剛結(jié)婚; 跟丈夫提出要做愛(ài); 跟妻子提出要做愛(ài); 被拒絕;約某人出來(lái); 等待醫(yī)生的答復(fù); 被裁員;裁掉別人-- 這就是我們生活的世界。 我們活在一個(gè)脆弱的世界里。 我們應(yīng)對(duì)的方法之一 是麻痹脆弱。
And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
我覺(jué)得這不是沒(méi)有依據(jù) -- 這也不是依據(jù)存在的唯一理由， 我認(rèn)為我們當(dāng)代問(wèn)題的一大部分都可以歸咎于它 -- 在美國(guó)歷史上，我們是欠債最多， 肥胖， 毒癮、用藥最為嚴(yán)重 的一代。 問(wèn)題是 -- 我從研究中認(rèn)識(shí)到 -- 你無(wú)法選擇性地麻痹感情。 你不能說(shuō)，這些是不好的。 這是脆弱，這是悲哀，這是恥辱， 這是恐懼，這是失望， 我不想要這些情感。 我要去喝幾瓶啤酒，吃個(gè)香蕉堅(jiān)果松餅。 (笑聲) 我不想要這些情感。 我知道臺(tái)下傳來(lái)的是會(huì)意的笑聲。 別忘了，我是靠“入侵”你們的生活過(guò)日子的。 天哪。 (笑聲) 你無(wú)法只麻痹那些痛苦的情感 而不麻痹所有的感官，所有的情感。 你無(wú)法有選擇性地去麻痹。 當(dāng)我們麻痹那些(消極的情感)， 我們也麻痹了歡樂(lè)， 麻痹了感恩， 麻痹了幸福。 然后我們會(huì)變得痛不欲生， 我們繼而尋找生命的意義， 然后我們感到脆弱， 然后我們喝幾瓶啤酒，吃個(gè)香蕉堅(jiān)果松餅。 危險(xiǎn)的循環(huán)就這樣這形成了。
One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. (Laughter) Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."
我們需要思考的一件事是 我們是為什么，怎么樣麻痹自己的。 這不一定是指吸毒。 我們麻痹自己的另一個(gè)方式是 把不確定的事變得確定。 宗教已經(jīng)從一種信仰、一種對(duì)不可知的相信 變成了確定。 我是對(duì)的，你是錯(cuò)的。閉嘴。 就是這樣。 只要是確定的就是好的。 我們?cè)绞呛ε�，我們就越脆弱�?然后我們變得愈加害怕。 這件就是當(dāng)今政治的現(xiàn)狀。 探討已經(jīng)不復(fù)存在。 對(duì)話已經(jīng)蕩然無(wú)存。 有的僅僅是指責(zé)。 你知道研究領(lǐng)域是如何描述指責(zé)的嗎? 一種發(fā)泄痛苦與不快的方式。 我們追求完美。 如果有人想這樣塑造他的生活，那個(gè)人就是我， 但這行不通。 因?yàn)槲覀冏龅闹皇前哑ü缮系馁樔?挪到我們的臉上。 (笑聲) 這真是，我希望一百年以后， 當(dāng)人們回過(guò)頭來(lái)會(huì)不禁感嘆：”哇!“
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall -- we pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say, "We're sorry. We'll fix it."
我們想要，這是最危險(xiǎn)的， 我們的孩子變得完美。 讓我告訴你我們是如何看待孩子的。 從他們出生的那刻起，他們就注定要掙扎。 當(dāng)你把這些完美的寶寶抱在懷里的時(shí)候， 我們的任務(wù)不是說(shuō)：”看看她，她完美的無(wú)可挑剔。“ 而是確保她保持完美 -- 保證她五年級(jí)的時(shí)候可以進(jìn)網(wǎng)球隊(duì)，七年級(jí)的時(shí)候穩(wěn)進(jìn)耶魯。 那不是我們的任務(wù)。 我們的任務(wù)是注視著她，對(duì)她說(shuō)， “你知道嗎?你并不完美，你注定要奮斗， 但你值得被愛(ài)，值得享有歸屬感。” 這才是我們的職責(zé)。 給我看用這種方式培養(yǎng)出來(lái)的一代孩子， 我保證我們今天有的問(wèn)題會(huì)得到解決。 我們假裝我們的行為 不會(huì)影響他人。 不僅在我們個(gè)人生活中我們這么做， 在工作中也一樣 -- 無(wú)論是緊急救助，石油泄漏， 還是產(chǎn)品召回 -- 我們假裝我們做的事 對(duì)他人不會(huì)造成什么大影響。 我想對(duì)這些公司說(shuō)：嘿，這不是我們第一次牛仔競(jìng)技。 我們只要你坦誠(chéng)地，真心地 說(shuō)一句："對(duì)不起， 我們會(huì)處理這個(gè)問(wèn)題。“
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
但還有一種方法，我把它留給你們。 這是我的心得： 卸下我們的面具，讓我們被看見(jiàn)， 深入地被看見(jiàn)， 即便是脆弱的一面; 全心全意地去愛(ài)， 盡管沒(méi)有任何擔(dān)保 -- 這是最困難的， 我也可以告訴你，作為一名家長(zhǎng)，這個(gè)非常非常困難 -- 帶著一顆感恩的心，保持快樂(lè) 哪怕是在最恐懼的時(shí)候 哪怕我們懷疑：”我能不能愛(ài)得這么深? 我能不能如此熱情地相信這份感情? 我能不能如此矢志不渝?“ 在消極的時(shí)候能打住，而不是一味地幻想事情會(huì)如何變得更糟， 對(duì)自己說(shuō)：”我已經(jīng)很感恩了， 因?yàn)槟芨惺艿竭@種脆弱，這意味著我還活著。“ 最后，還有最重要的一點(diǎn)， 那就是相信我們已經(jīng)做得夠好了。 因?yàn)槲蚁嘈女?dāng)我們?cè)谝粋�(gè) 讓人覺(jué)得“我已經(jīng)足夠了”的環(huán)境中打拼的時(shí)候 我們會(huì)停止抱怨，開(kāi)始傾聽(tīng)， 我們會(huì)對(duì)周?chē)娜藭?huì)更友善，更溫和， 對(duì)自己也會(huì)更友善，更溫和。
That's all I have. Thank you.
這就是我演講的全部?jī)?nèi)容。謝謝大家。
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